By Kennedy Rose
Are you at your friend’s wedding with a date that you want to trap by social convention? Well, if you are, then we have some tips to help you catch that bouquet!
Training for Catching the Bouquet
Even if you haven’t found a date that you want to make feel obligated to marry you yet, don’t worry! That will come in due time. For now, you must train. You have to train like a football player and a ninja all rolled into one.
Practice catching to get the best hand-eye-coordination as possible. Have the little league team throw balls to you because they’re probably just as skilled as a bride throwing backwards.
Eat nothing but protein for the next six months. Raw eggs are a good source, as is raw meat. Warning labels are for wimps.
You must be able to bench press the weight of the largest bridesmaid at the wedding. Feel free to skip the bar and actually bench-press the girl instead. Benching a whole person will help you with strength and balance.
Squats are key to being able to hip-check a girl out of the way of the bouquet. Do as many squats as possible per day to get legs like The Hulk and a booty like Kim Kardashian.
You have to be prepared to get girls out of the way in order to get your clutches on that beautiful bouquet. Even if that means swiping a girl’s stiletto out from under her or body slamming another girl, you must do it.
Getting a Date
A right swipe on Tinder and the promise of an open bar is all you need to get a date to a wedding these days. Technology is amazing.
The Big Day
Size up your competition. Make sure the tall ones stand in the way back and make sure you’re in the front. It’s hard for the bride to see how far she’s throwing and she’ll probably aim for the front so it won’t go over everybody’s heads.
Be prepared to dive for that bouquet; getting down and dirty to achieve one’s goals is admirable. Keep your eyes on the prize.
These tips are guaranteed to help you catch the bouquet. Pinky swear.